This could be one of the hardest write-ups I have ever attempted to write. Maybe because it’s real and it’s raw and it’s too personal. But I am writing this because I want people to know what is happening to me and maybe by writing this, someone out there would read it and find solace that they are not alone.
One of my favorite quote people is Brene Brown and I wanted to share this with you all:
“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
Too heavy? Yeah, I agree. But I want to be honest and I want to be real and authentic as possible. In all my years in the online freelancing space, I feel that is one thing that I would always be proud of – my honesty. Some people appreciate it and some don’t. And you know what – at this age, I really don’t give a f*ck who appreciates it or not. I never liked superficial individuals anyway.
Going back to me – I know I’m dallying. Ever since I was young I knew something is wrong with me – I’m too introverted, I get too anxious about things, I get scared easily and I worry too much. Being a bullied kid didn’t help either. Fast forward to today, I know that something is wrong with me. I have instances of thinking that people are talking about me or sometimes I cry for no reason and two years ago, my mental health declined. I got scared of the world.
Imagine being scared of just the ping of a text message. A ring of the home phone. An email. A Facebook notification. A message in messenger. My heart would beat so fast and beads of sweat would start on my forehead then my hands will turn clammy and then I would just shut down. I wanted to just stop the world from everything.
Because of these feelings – I have lost my clients. I have lost their trust and it happened over and over again. I was hopeless. I wanted to die. I was not working. I was not doing anything really, I was just breathing and I have thought of how many times I can kill myself just to make it all end. I didn’t feel pain. I didn’t feel happy. I was plain scared and I wanted to stop being scared.
November 2019 was a breaking point. I had a team of freelancers. We had a lot of clients. Then disaster struck. My brain decided it cannot take the world anymore and decided to shut down and be scared again. At first, I was hesitant to tell my mom as we have been on this road before but my mom (bless her heart) never really gave up on me nor my family. During my shut down moments – my family mustered all their love and support and made me feel that yup, although the world is scary – they are there for me – always and forever – Ohana.
I was able to find a good therapist by the end of January of this year and I have been seeing her constantly. She showed me scientifically and explained logically that what I am feeling is an illness. It’s not drama – it’s not something made up. And she gave me the medicines I needed to manage my illness. I asked her if there would come a time that I would no longer need medication and she said we can take it one step at a time – baby steps became my motto.
If you have been reading this far, thank you. I am feeling better now. I am yet to face the world and go alone in a public place full of people but I can start working online again. I do have apprehensions. Anxious thoughts keep coming back in.
“What if you don’t get clients?”
“What if they don’t trust you again?”
“What if they get frustrated with you?”
and so on and so forth…
I on my part will just take baby steps for now. I completed my website and now I’m writing this blog. I will soon try to find clients that would still be willing to work with me amidst my condition. Crossing my fingers just thinking about it. I will close this write up with another Brene Brown quote:
“You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”